War

With Andy Peters on stand by in a secret pressing plant in the hidden lair, on Sunday evening the evil Cowellman ordered another calculated attack at the Christmas number 1. His poisonous chemical attack with the deadly 'Factor X' or something has reeked havoc over the charts in the past.

While for 51 weeks of the year, no one with pubic hair gives a toss about the charts, this Christmas it has become the singular most important issue in the nation. One we must defend to the hilt.

And so, with social media as their weapon the masses go to war with the festive A-Bomb that is Rage Against The Machine's 'Killing In The Name.'

Reports from the front line suggest that the Rage Brigade are winning valuable ground. But it's early days. This is a powerful enemy. Pick up your mouses people. Use your 79p wisely. Or even, 29p. After all, when your grandchildren look up to you with admiration in their eyes and say, 'Grandad, what did you do in the battle of the X-Factor?' Do you want to say to them, 'Nothing, I did nothing. I'm so sorry.'? Your country need you.

Whichever way it ends, cries that Simon Cowell has taken the fun out of the charts couldn't be more wrong.

War